I don't know if it's exhaustion from caring for a sick toddler who is running in circles one minute, wanting to be held and carried CONSTANTLY, and/or crying in my arms because his tummy/throat/head/ear hurts and he doesn't understanding why it won't stop... AND I have a baby that I can't (don't need to) be around that went to the cardiologist and needs a procedure/surgery NEXT WEEK... but I have been in a funk today.
I feel like God is watching over us, most definitely (i.e. the potty seat with lead, and Jake being at Mama and Daddy's when Sam came down with this rotten virus), but I feel like we can't catch a breath before the next issue/disaster (whatever we want to call it) hits! We haven't slept through a night in four months, our baby has to go back to the hospital, and we just want 'normal' --- whatever that is!? I just feel bummed, I guess. I think I really just expected to hear that Jake is the same and we'll keep watching him as usual, and I had my brain wrapped around that; so when I was told we had to go to the hospital next week, it hit pretty hard. Not to mention, Sam had just woken up from his nap in tears/pain, so he was screaming his head off while I was trying to hear what BJ was saying on the phone. Sam wanted to be held, he wanted to go to the kitchen, he wanted to open the refrigerator then the freezer, he wanted to go to the playroom, he wanted me to sit, he wanted me to stand, he wanted me to "put phone down," you get the picture!!!???? I wanted him to feel better (he had been fine before naptime, so I felt we had THAT on the run, so THAT hit me like a ton of bricks to have it starting AGAIN), I wanted to hear what BJ was telling me about Jake......... it wasn't a good afternoon to say the least!
On the flip side - I read the Care Page of the family that lost their little girl and am so thankful for all that I'm dealing with because it means my kids are both still here with me for me to love on. I can't really complain, nor do I want to!
I think a lot of my feelings are just that I miss Jake terribly. When you get news like that (that I couldn't even be at the appointment to hear first hand), you just want to reach out and touch your little baby. It reassures you and the child both. I am so comforted that my parents have Jake - there is not a worry in my mind about them taking care of him, watching for signs of distress, etc. They have been involved since before he was born and take care of him just as I would. I have actually asked Mama to take a picture of how she puts Jake to bed so I can immitate it when he does get home! He naps 1-2 hours a few times a day!? They're going to have to give me pointers on how best to take care of him!!!!!!!
Mommys just need to touch, that's all! I would just like to be able to establish a normal and maintain it (or improve on it) at this point, I suppose!
I don't know... pity-party over (for now ;)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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